***
I don't know when we pulled apart. All I know is that my tears had left my eyes burning with so many emotions, I didn't even know how to feel.
I felt broken, relieved, and angry. So fucking angry.
I thought I had lost one of the only people I never thought I'd lose. I cried for him, I mourned for him. I'd lie in my bed in the middle of the night, with my hand over my mouth so I wouldn't make a noise. I remember my tears soaking my pillow and I would feel my heart breaking as I held back screams and sobs.
I remember Sinister holding me in his arms, as I sobbed and cried and mourned.
Afanas was my best friend and for months, I thought I lost the only friend I had ever made.
And now here he was, sitting across from me with guilt flashing in his eyes. And now, all I could feel was that white hot rage that filled my core and hurt my fucking heart.
My eyes burned as I heard Rachel clear her throat. She stood in front of us, still fidgeting with the hem of her dress, her green eyes flickered up to mine, before focusing on the floor.
I felt my anger boiling, I clenched my jaw as I stared at her, my hands still intertwined with Afanas's.
"You couldn't have called? Or even fucking texted me?" My voice cracked as I struggled to look at her in the eyes.
Her face flushed as she looked back up at me, her pale skin turning a guilty shade of pink.
"I wanted to, Calla. I, I just didn't know what to say..." Her voice trailed off.
I glanced between Afanas and Rachel, my head lowering as I focused on Afanas's warm hands holding mine.
"You two were supposed to be my best friends. I thought Afanas was dead. I thought you were ignoring me..."
I sighed heavily, "What was your plan anyway, huh? Just drop off the face of the planet and never speak to me again? Run away with the man who I thought was dead?"
Rachel flinched at my sharp words.
"Calla..." her voice was barley audible.
I held up a hand, "No, Rach. You can't justify your actions. You knew I blamed myself when I thought he died. Hell, even you blamed me. Were you gonna let me live out the rest of my life, blaming myself for my best friends death?"
Her eyes found the floor again, her hands twitching nervously at her side.
I felt myself feel guilty at my words, but I refused to take them back. Why would I regret words that were true? I held back an apology as I continued
"How long were you gonna wait before you told me? If you even bothered telling me? Twenty? Thirty years?" My jaw set, I clenched my fists together as I felt my face flush red from anger.
Rachel's green eyes flickered up to mine, tears welded in her eyes as she opened and closed her mouth, searching for words to say.
A few minutes passed by, and she finally gave up looking for something to say. Instead she simply shrugged, her watery green eyes staring at the shaggy carpet of the living room floor.
Afanas squeezed my hand, I felt the coolness of his rings press into the flesh of my skin as he held my hand tightly.
"I'm sorry, Cal. It wasn't supposed to be this way...I-I never thought it would end like this, and I never thought I'd hurt you this badly. You were supposed to be sad, obiously, but you were supposed to move on..." Afanas's words were like daggers to my heart.
"Move on?" I seethed "you were the first person who showed me kindness when I was kidnapped. You were the first person I met, Jesus fuck Afanas, you were the one that kidnapped me and brought me into this life! I don't regret my life and I don't regret being kidnapped, but you were supposed to live my life with me! You were supposed to be there for me and you left. You fucking left and that hurts."
I turned to a guilty looking Rachel.
"And you" I spat "you wouldn't have even met Afanas if it wasn't for me. You'd still be working the cash register at fucking JCPenny!"
I didn't get to finish my sentence before Sebastian walked in, his face was pale as he stared at Afanas, disbelief still stung his eyes as he stood in the doorway.
"Afanas" he said lowly "you're looking very...alive."
Afanas shot him a small sad smile, giving my hand one more squeeze before standing up, and reaching out to shake Sebastian's hand.
Sebastian paled even more, his light hazel eyes darkening as he shook Afanas's hand, his white blonde hair falling over his eyes.
"It's great to see you, Seabass." Afanas smiled.
Sebastian ran his pale hands through his blonde hair, his eyes grazing the floor apprehensively before he spoke.
"Sinister...he's on his way."
Afanas cursed, his fists clenching.
"Does he know?" He asked quietly.
Sebastian shook his head, "Uh...no. He'll be here in 10 minutes, though. So you might want to figure out how you're going to explain all this to him."
Rachel shook her head, crossing her arms over her chest.
"I don't think we should tell him."
I stared at her, "That's not your fucking decision. You're not the one who faked your own death. Afanas is Sinister's best friend, it's up to him. Not you."
The room went still. You could practically feel the tension in the air.
I glanced at Afanas, his dark eyes were deep in thought, his arms folded tightly in front of him.
He bit down on his lips, his tongue grazed his teeth as he stared off into space.
I didn't know what Sinister would do. I know he'd be pissed, but Sinister has always been completely unpredictable. He was like a bomb with no timer; you never knew what would set him off.
My eyes adverted to Rachel, who chewed down on her lip as she sat down next to Afanas, her eyes refusing to meet mine.
It was a strange thing to see her now, and forget what it felt like to have her as my best friend. It was like a half-remembered dream, the feeling of friendship was still there but the details were foggy. Like a house you grow up in, it's familiar, but the feeling of home is missing.
I knew her longer than Afanas did, I was her best friend, and yet she hurt me so badly.
"I'll take care of it." Afanas said softly, resting his head on Rachel's shoulder.
Rachel closed her eyes, her hands holding her stomach.
I couldn't believe she was pregnant. I never thought of Rachel being a mom. I was so used to her being inattentive and wild. She was always crazy, like me, but now she was tame and calm. I always thought it would be me that would get pregnant first, not her. After all, I'm married and slightly more calm.
"You guys should probably go upstairs..." Afanas looked at all of us, his hand tapped nervously at his side.
I nodded, standing up, Rachel and Sebastian followed me out the door.
I turned back to Afanas who was pasty white with nervousness, whispering inaudible words lowly under his breath.
"Good luck." I said quietly, flashing him a small smile before heading upstairs.
***
CHAPER 46
Sinister's POV:
The senator and I had finally finished up our paperwork, and I was almost at Rachel's mothers house.
I rarely ever felt remorse or guilt. Truly evil people don't just hurt people, they take pride in the hurt and pain they inflict.
I had been spending the majority of my life committing crimes: I killed people for money, and the truth of the matter, was that I liked it. I liked that cold fear that I inflicted. I enjoyed people cowering from me, begging for mercy and fearing my name. I was a bad man who felt very little remorse.
But I felt for Rachel, I couldn't imagine what I would do if I lost Calla. And even though Afanas had been my best friend and brother, I couldn't help that painful sadness that flooded my mind whenever I thought of Rachel.
I tried not to think of Afanas's death. I knew it would make me break down and lose myself completely if I thought of him. I couldn't be weak, I couldn't cry, I couldn't show sadness.
So I didn't think about it.
"Mr. Velkov, we're approaching the house." My guard said to me, motioning out the window to a very small house with white picket fencing.
I felt the car lull to a stop.
"Stay in the car, I won't be long." I ordered, stepping out of the car and straightening out my suit jacket as I made my way up the driveway and knocked on the door.
I stood at the front door and waited awhile, my foot tapping impatiently as I waited for someone to answer the door. I guess I was nervous, I didn't exactly know how to deal with emotional people. Calla was the only person I truly knew how to comfort. If Rachel started crying, I'd probably just give her a pat on the back or something stupid like that.
After a few minutes, the door finally creaked open, and I felt myself feeling like somebody just ran over me with their fucking car.
Afanas stood in the doorway.
Holy fuck.
My mind instantly began filling with painful realization, my heart hammered in my head as I stared at him.
I felt myself losing my footing as I took a massive step back, my hands covered my mouth as I stared at my best friend. The man who I thought was dead, the man who I grew up with, the man that I watched die in front of my fucking eyes.
Piercing memories flooded my mind, memories from that night. The night I watched the light leave his eyes. The night he risked his life for Calla.
I remembered his shivering body as cold death began to consume him, I remember the trails of tears that flooded his dying eyes. I remember the pool of blood that drowned his corpse. I saw him fucking die.
And now, here he was, looking perfectly healthy, a small smile etched on the edges of his lips.
I couldn't say anything.
Afanas threw his arms around me in a strong embrace, but I couldn't reciprocate. I couldn't fucking move.
"You...you died..." I choked, unable to form a full sentence as I forced my arms to hug him back.
"As if I'd die without taking you with me." He croaked out, as he pulled away.
A light haziness filled my mind, my mouth opening and closing like a fucking idiot as he lead my frozen body inside.
"What the fuck is going on?" I asked, not daring to take my eyes off his presence, almost as though he was a pigment of my imagination. I feared for my sanity.
Afanas led me into the sitting room, I was on fucking autopilot as I sat down across from him, my hands shook fiercely as I clenched them together.
"Where's Calla?" I asked quickly, my eyes darting around the small living room, and finding no traces of her.
"She's upstairs you dumb fuck." Afanas said halfheartedly.
My eyes darted back to his. What kind of sick shit was going on? What the fuck was happening? Is this some sort of cruel joke?
"It's a little hard to explain, Sin. I didn't die that night, though I was damn close to it...I, um...Rachel's pregnant, you see, and I had to...I had to do what was best..." His deep voice was apprehensive as he spoke, not daring to look me in the eyes for too long.
"What was best?" I seethed, my hands shaking, now, from absolute fury. "You faked your own fucking death, so that you could live out some fairy tale fucking dream? Did you not think of who you hurt? You've been my best friend since fucking birth, my brother, and you make me think that you were dead?"
My heart was pounding from rage, Afanas seemed completely unfazed by my furious reaction.
"I-I didn't know what to do, Sin! I couldn't become a fucking father, and try to protect my child while still in the Mafia! I'm your fucking second in command for God sake, the second my kid was old enough to hold a gun, he'd be sworn in and become a fucking monster. No good man wants that for his family!"
I didn't waste a second.
"I'm the fucking leader of the Russian Mafia, Afanas. Did that ever occur to you? I could have kept you, Rachel and the baby safe!"
"Sinister...you can't even keep Calla safe." The second the words came out of his mouth, I knew he regretted them.
But the damage was already done.
"You can't fucking say that..." my voice broke "man you know how hard I try to keep her safe. You know how much she means to me..."
He nodded, "I know...all I meant to say, was that it's too much to ask of you. You can't keep everyone safe, Sin. You gotta know that."
I didn't say anything. For a man with so much power and influence, I felt so fucking useless.
Afanas's face dropped, "You weren't supposed to feel this much, man. You were supposed to be sad for a little...but move on. You were supposed to live out the rest of your life with the love of your life...you were never supposed to feel this much."
My fists clenched, "Well what the fuck did you expect, huh? I thought I watched my best friend, my brother, die right in front of me. And I felt so fucking useless and fucking depressed, because I never thought I'd lose you, but I did, and even though it was never supposed to happen, it did. And I never got to say goodbye, and I never got to tell you how thankful I was, or how sorry I was or..."
My voice trailed off as I held my head in my hands, my breathing was short and ragged as I did my best attempt to process.
"You will never understand what your death did to me." I choked out.
I refused to look at him, I could't. Because every time I looked at him, flashbacks flooded my mind and all I could see was him drowning in a pool of his own blood, a gunshot wound embedded in his chest as he croaked out, what I thought, were his final words
"Sinister, I'm sorry" his voice cracked "but I needed this. I'm not you, man. We're the same person in a lot of ways, one of which being that we both grew up in the Mafia, but the difference is, that I never wanted this life."
He laughed as he motioned around him, "this, this is what I want. A girl who I love, a child, and a shitty little house in the middle of fucking nowhere. Not guns, and death and murder. It's not what I wanted then and it's not what I want now."
I sighed, "you should have told me."
He smiled sadly, "you wouldn't have understood. This, this job, is your life, man. You've never imagined doing anything else...I've always wanted so much more. The only way to leave the Mafia, is death. You know that. There's no other way. And I'm sorry I had to deceive you and lie to you, but I needed to be selfish. Just this once I needed to be selfish, because you wouldn't have understood."
I felt millions of questions stabbing my mind, but it was so fucking hard for me to speak. I could barley even look at him in the eyes.
"You always seemed like you...enjoyed it. The Mafia life, I mean. You loved the drugs and the sex and the killing..." My shaky voice trailed off.
Afanas gave me another sad smile, "Something inside of me was always hurting, Sinister. That's why I needed the weed and the coke and the death and the sex...it was so that I would never be sober enough to realize what I truly wanted."
I felt so fucking stupid for never knowing. I didn't even truly know my best friend. I never knew he was unhappy or depressed. I never knew he wanted more. I've always known that he deserved more, I just didn't know he really wanted it.
He had never struck me as the kind of guy to settle down. The kind of guy who would buy a house with a big lawn and a wooden porch. I never thought of Afanas as the type of guy to fall in love.
Then again, no one ever expected me to find love, and I did. No one ever expected the cold, ruthless monster that I was, to fall so hard. But I did, and what gives me the right to expect any less of someone like Afanas?
My eyes finally met his, and I think I finally saw it.
That slight glimmer in his dark eyes, the hunger in the darkness that strivef for more and demanded better.
"So..." I said slowly, resting my hand on his shoulder, just to check one last time that he was truly there. That he was truly alive.
"What's next?"
***