For the next three days, Bianca had managed to keep herself preoccupied with school and work in the mornings and early afternoons while Felix worked out. Then in the evenings, she’d be back at the cabin with him.
Toni had called and texted her in the past few days, excited that she’d seen her on TV and in the tabloids: well, photos and some footage of her getting into her car or walking onto the small satellite university campus where she attended the only class she wasn’t taking online. They’d been pretty sneaky so far and surprisingly respectful of her space, because most of the photos Toni had mentioned, Bianca hadn’t even been aware when they’d been taken. Only once had she noticed a photographer across the parking lot, aiming his camera at her. She’d never understand how celebrities could stand it. It had totally crept her out.
Bianca had to laugh at how giddy all this made her friend. The woman was glued to the television and her computer now that she had a friend who was actually part of her favorite pastime—reading the gossip columns.
She was on the phone with her now as Bianca drove back to the cabin. Usually Felix either picked her up himself or he sent a car if he wasn’t done training, but he’d be leaving early the next morning for Los Angeles to do some promoting and wouldn’t be back until the following night. Felix could have a driver drive her around in one of his fancy Towne cars while he was gone, but Bianca felt more comfortable in her little Civic. She still felt a little weird about knowing there was a driver waiting on her when she went shopping or stopped by to visit with Toni.
“Why aren’t you going with him?” Toni whined.
Bianca crinkled her nose. “Because he’ll be busy the whole time, and I’ll be cooped up in a hotel room.”
“I’m sure he’d find a way to keep you entertained,” Toni countered.
“By myself? No thanks. Besides I have school and work.”
“He’s doing the Late Night show. You could meet Conan O’Brian!”
Toni’s exasperation made Bianca laugh. “I’m sure I’ll get a chance to meet him some other time.” Bianca had already met a few celebrities because of Felix, and she never felt quite as star struck as she knew Toni would’ve been, but at the risk of having her friend pass out, she wouldn’t mention her lack of interest in meeting the late night mogul.
“So are you staying at his cabin tomorrow night anyway or are you going home?”
The question was one Bianca had contemplated for days. Felix had actually suggested she and Gio go do something tomorrow: go snowboarding again or catch a movie. She knew it was only because he felt bad about leaving Gio up there on his own. The past few nights he’d hung out with them after dinner, watching television or playing pool. Felix had even asked him if he wanted to join them in the hot tub last night which Gio immediately declined. Ray and Ignacio weren’t much for socializing. They were always calling it a night and heading to their rooms right after dinner. Some of the nights, like the first night Gio had gotten there, they didn’t even join them for dinner but took their food back to their rooms instead.
The dreams hadn’t stopped. If anything, they’d become even more intense now—one of the most intense being the night they got back from dinner at Noah’s. They were so intense she was beginning to get nervous. She’d been known to talk in her sleep in the past. Although her grandmother had teased her once that it was more aggravating than anything because it was impossible to make out any real phrases. She said mostly it was just a word here or there that wasn’t even all that intelligible. Too often the only word she remembered crying out in her dreams was Gio.
Bianca felt her face fire up as she pulled her car into the dairy parking lot. She wasn’t buying anything, but she needed to talk to someone about this already, and she didn’t want to have this conversation while she was supposed to be concentrating on driving in the snow.
“Toni?”
“Yeah?”
Biting her lip, she tried to think of where best to start. “Have you ever been in a relationship where you were happy but still found yourself attracted to someone else?”
“Oh, honey, this sounds juicy. Hold on. Let me turn my sign over to closed and lock this door.”
Bianca heard her giggle, and she smiled, trying to shake the anxiety she’d been feeling for days. She turned the key, shutting off the ignition to her car.
“Okay, so who is it and how come you hadn’t told me?”
“First, you answer my question,” Bianca drummed her fingers on her thigh. “Have you?”
“Of course I have. It’s perfectly normal. Even married women can be attracted to other men. Nothin’ wrong with that unless you act on it.” Bianca thought about that last sentence for a moment without responding. “Oh, Bianca. You’re too cute. So you have a crush on someone else, and you’re worried about it? I think it’s especially normal for you since Felix is gone so much.”
“But it’s not just someone else. It’s his friend. His friend from way back. They’re real close.”
“Ooh!” Bianca could tell by Toni’s excitement she didn’t get the magnitude of this, and how could she? “What friend?” Then in a much less excited tone, she scolded again, “And I can’t believe you hadn’t told me!”
Bianca took a deep breath and started from the beginning—way back in high school beginning. She filled her in on the important details, feeling as if she were slowly building a case against herself and why she was guilty of something, only she hadn’t done anything.
Toni listened intently, responding with “uh-huhs” in all the appropriate pauses. When she got to the part of the first dream, the night Felix arrived, Toni was quiet for a moment, and then she burst into laughter. As nervous as she still was about all this, Bianca couldn’t help laughing with her. “It’s not funny, Toni!” she said but continued laughing. “Can you imagine if I would have said Gio’s name as I came?”
Toni cackled even louder now, and as funny as Bianca knew this wasn’t, she continued to laugh too, barely able to catch her breath. Bianca was grateful she hadn’t squeaked or this conversation would’ve gone nowhere. As the laughter calmed, she wondered if she should even go on. The dreams were even worse, but somehow she knew Toni would find them more humorous than inappropriate. This was not the outcome Bianca had hoped for when she pulled over. “Toni!” she tried to sound firm as Toni continued to giggle. “I need clarity. Get it together, woman!”
“Okay, okay.” Toni cleared her voice. “So the guy is beautiful, crazy sexy, and he’s obviously attracted to you too, but you did say he’s respectful, right? And he was mindful of making sure that you were not offended by his playfulness. If that’s all it is, then I wouldn’t worry. You’re very attractive, Bianca. Of course, the two of you are gonna flirt.”
“There’s more.”
“Oh?”
Now that Bianca had her full attention again, she told her about the night they’d gone out and the ride home with Gio—what Evelyn had said to him. “Oh, what a slut! And pshaw! The men’s restroom? That is so nineties!”
“That’s not the point, Toni.” Bianca wasn’t feeling humorous anymore; the incredible unease was back, and she was beginning to feel choked up. She needed someone to understand and tell her she wasn’t crazy for feeling so incredibly guilty and selfish. “The point is there is this … I don’t know how to describe it. It’s as if there’s something bigger than the both of us when we’re alone. I’m left completely breathless sometimes—I’m completely mesmerized by him, and I’m pretty sure I’ve seen it—felt it in him. We both know it’s wrong, but it’s beyond any comprehension. If we can’t even understand it, how can we control it? And I know it sounds like a bunch of bullshit—a huge cop-out.” Her voice broke and she stopped unable to go on.
“Bianca,” Toni’s voice was full of remorse. “Sweetie, don’t cry. I didn’t know this was bothering you that much.”
Bianca sucked it up and took another deep breath feeling like a blubbering idiot. “It’s just that I keep having these dreams, Toni. In the last one, I got out of bed with Felix, tip-toed over to Gio’s room, took off my clothes, and climbed in his bed. And the thing is it’s always so real, yet it’s so easy for me to do it. I know it’s only a dream, but even in dreams, I usually think the way I would in real life. And in the dreams, I want him so desperately.” She breathed in, thankful that she was completely in control of her emotions now and continued. “I can barely look at him for fear that he’ll know. He’ll see it in my eyes. And the worst part is I talk in my sleep.”
“Oh, shit. You do?”
“Well, I used to. I haven’t slept in the same room with my grandma in years, but years ago, she told me I did. What if I do one of these nights, and I say his name? Say the things I do to Gio in my dreams—that I can’t stop thinking about him—that he’s on my mind constantly now, even when Felix is making love to me. It’s so wrong!”
Bianca heard Toni breathe in deep and then hum. It was something she did when she was brainstorming or trying to figure something out. Bianca could almost picture her walking around her little salon. So, she waited patiently, hopeful that Toni would have some words of wisdom for her.
“I’m gonna be honest with you, okay? Don’t be mad, but I need you to really think about this before you answer, okay?”
“Okay.” Bianca had an idea what her question might be.
“Are you really in love with Felix?” That wasn’t it.
“Yes! Of course I am.” Bianca snapped.
“No. I asked you to really think about it, girl.” Toni snapped back. “Now think, because I’m just being honest here, so again, don’t get mad. When you told me about how you told him you loved him, you said it just like that. You said, ‘He said he loved me, and I told him I loved him too.’ Then you got all squealy, and I had no choice but to do what any good friend is expected to do and squeal with you. But I did think it was weird you never actually said you loved him or that you were in love. You said you told him you loved him. It’s different.”
“Well, I am in love with him.” Bianca tried not to take offense or sound defensive, but it did bother her that Toni would think she could be so immature she’d be more excited about the idea of being loved and saying it for the first time than actually being in love.
“Really?” Bianca could tell by Toni’s tone she really wasn’t buying it. “And when did you know you were in love? Do you remember the moment you knew? That’s usually a pretty big moment you remember forever.”
Bianca didn’t. All she remembered was being stunned when she heard Felix say it to her for the first time. But she was hurt. How could Toni be thinking this all this time and not mention it?
“I do,” she lied, hoping she sounded convincing and not as angry as she suddenly felt.
“Bianca, don’t be mad—”
“I’m not.” She shoved the key into the ignition, pulling her seatbelt on.
She was mad. God, was she ever, just not at Toni. She was mad at herself. How stupid was she really? Was it possible she’d convinced herself she was in love with Felix just because she got all caught up in the way it felt to be in love—liked hearing him say it back? And what, if anything, did her not actually being in love with him have to do with her feeling what she did when she was around Gio? She did at least have feelings for Felix. She cared about him, and her feelings of jealousy when hearing about him with those other women were genuine. There was no way she was faking those.
Then she remembered what she’d felt when she saw Gio kissing Evelyn. She’d just texted Felix back, agreeing to meet him back at the cabin, but glancing up to see Gio and Evelyn kissing had been enough to make her spring out of her seat and bolt for the door. Bianca squeezed the steering wheel, feeling her face flush, utterly mortified. She was ridiculous. What was wrong with her?
“I’m not mad,” she repeated as she pulled out of the parking space. “I’m just confused, and all of this is just making me so insane.”
“And that’s perfectly normal.” Toni had her reassuring voice on, and Bianca appreciated it because what she needed right now more than ever was reassurance. “From what you tell me, Gio sounds like a sweetheart—a sweetheart that also happens to be eye candy. I’d question your sanity if you weren’t attracted to him. Shit, I think I want him, and I haven’t even seen the guy.”
Bianca laughed, feeling completely grateful for having a friend like Toni. Toni would never judge her, and she was always there when she needed her. She’d always told Bianca she could call her at any hour for any reason and unless she was stone cold dead asleep and didn’t hear it, she’d always answer. That had almost happened these last few nights when she’d awakened from her Gio dreams.
“I just wish I didn’t feel so incredibly guilty about waking up right next to Felix in his bed, having a full blown orgasm brought on by his friend.” Just the thought made her wince.
Toni exhaled heavily. “Okay, I’m only gonna say this because I hate that you’re beating yourself up about innocent dreams, but I’m warning you, you’re probably gonna be pissed.” Toni paused, probably waiting for a response but Bianca didn’t give her any. She could never be pissed at Toni. “I’ve been looking into this Shelley girl he met up with in Chicago, and I haven’t said anything to you because I have nothing solid, but it’s not looking good. Now, I could be totally wrong about this, so don’t start getting all upset or anything. That’s all I’m gonna say about that because I could be on to something, or like all the other times, it could turn out to be nothing. All I want you think about is this: What you’re doing—dreaming about his friend—is harmless. It’s just a dream. He, on the other hand, well, let’s just say his complete and total innocence is questionable at best.”
Bianca thought about that for a second as she drove into the cabin’s driveway. She could see Felix, Gio, and Ray sitting on the porch, holding coffee mugs—probably tea for Felix and hot cocoa for Gio and Ray, just as they’d been drinking the last two evenings she’d driven up. What was it about these guys and liking to drink on the porch?
“I’m here now,” Bianca said as she pulled the car up across from the cabin facing the porch where the guys sat.
Felix smiled at her, and Gio glanced up at her for a second before turning back to Felix who’d said something that made him laugh. “Okay. I’ll let you go then,” Toni said. “But let me just leave you with one last thing. In all the times you’ve been going out with Felix, when you were so excited about him coming up for a couple of months and when you told me he’d said he loved you—I’ve never once heard the emotion I heard from you today when you spoke of Gio.”
Bianca stared out her windshield at Gio and Felix. Just a couple of weeks ago, she was certain there was nothing or no one that would make her happier than Felix. Now, not only was she not sure if she was even in love with him but she may’ve fallen in a way she didn’t even understand for someone else—someone she could never have—his best friend.
She’d never forgive herself for breaking up their friendship. Only she was already feeling it from this far away—the pull. She needed to be near Gio now. She wasn’t ready to walk away—didn’t think she could if she tried. But she had to before she did something she could never take back. What in the world was she going to do?